Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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