Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize