Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
