Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We're too hungover to prance.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
