she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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