I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
