you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
