I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
