nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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