I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she peed on how many people?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
