im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
