community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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