yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
