I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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