You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
