Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
