dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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