Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
