oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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