fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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