she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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