Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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