you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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