census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
