im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
