I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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