Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
