Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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