We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0