forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.