I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
