$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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