I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
