please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
