I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
