someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
