dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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