im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
