i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
