Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
