Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
