Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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