so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
