you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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