That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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