grandma shit on top of the toilet
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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