I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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