Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
