I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
