hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i think i just lost a toe
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
