You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
