I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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